“What can we give that You have not given? What do we have that is not already Yours? All we possess are these lives we’re living and that’s what we give to you Lord.”
Sharing a bit of my vocation story. This was written as part of the requirements when entering the postulancy back in 2014. I was an outside-the-convent postulant. Last two paragraphs were deleted to protect people that are better not to be mentioned,
A Song of Praise
“What can we give that You have not given? What do we have that is not already Yours? All we possess are these lives we’re living and that’s what we give to you Lord.”
My quest of finding proofs that I am really called to religious life started months after my graduation. I used the word “proofs” for I couldn’t think of better word to describe what I was looking for. I just know that I feel within me that I am prepared for something else. Something “more” is in stored for me. I am expected to do more than I am doing now.
The Beginning
This search continued till I was hired in The Nazarene Catholic School. My prayer life was very much nourished in the school. Msgr. Gerry Santos, my idol since high school, was our director. His passion in his vocation, his love for prayer and his reverence to the Holy Eucharist, inspired and continue to inspire me. He contributes a lot in my prayer life and in my vocation.
“Pag gusto maraming paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan.”
These were the days of April and May that I aimed to finish the book of John. My schoolmate and happened to be my co-teacher gave me a format of bible study which I liked. But unfortunately, I was not able to pursue it. I may say that I couldn’t find time, that I was too busy preparing lesson plans (which were all true), yet a common line for Filipinos probably better describe it, “Pag gusto maraming paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan.” Anyways, I just remembered it, so, I added it here. That event still signifies something. Hopefully, a positive one.
By August 30, I was, surprisingly, assigned to become one of the advisers of the school’s team who would compete for the Bible Quiz Bee in Makati sponsored by Society of St. Paul. The school was probably thinking of exposing newly hired teachers in the outside activities and they chose me for they knew that I’d be happy about it and I would say yes. It was my first time to go there. I was happy to see the place. I even bought a shirt for souvenir, books and, of course, we took pictures. I was blessed with the place. Right that moment, I felt that the event, the place and all that had happened have message to me. I just didn’t know what. All I knew was, I was happy and blessed. I felt those feelings all the more when I entered St. Paul store. There were many books and images. I wanted to bring those entire stuffs home. What could be God’s will in sending me there?
Search-Ins
During the days of September, I met Sr. Paz from MCJ. She was the first nun I have talked to. She visited the school when there was an infestation in our school. I even joined her and the exorcist priests in blessing the school. I felt so powerful that time, together with the salt, holy water, rosary, priests, nun and my co-teachers (Haha.) I felt I was fulfilling something. I was defending souls from evil ones. Till we started texting and she referred me to another nun, Sr. Janet, for a search in.
My first time to visit a convent was last September 28,2013. My friend and I went to the Pastorelle Convent, which belongs to Pauline Family. Our main purpose of going there was to review for our Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET) the next morning. But that didn’t materialize. Sr. Revy entertained us. She kept on asking and learned that I was also interested to become a nun someday.
Then, more visits to Pastorelle happened. My friends and I joined their overnight vocation camp, October 19-20, in Imus, Cavite. Moreover, I had these meetings with Sr. Revy to check how my journey was going. She was the first nun to tell me to write journals everyday. During one of our meetings, she even made me cry. Hahaha. She’s a good adviser.
Another significant event occurred on October 5,2013 when Joanna introduced me to Bro. Dennis from OMI. It was through Kuya Dennis that I discovered about OND. Difficult mission, Cotabato, mountains and dangerous were few of the descriptions presented to me. Instead of hesitating and getting scared, I got more interested. As far as I remember, it was October 10 or other dates after 10 that I first visited OND Convent. I was nervous and at the same time excited. Sr. Marjo was the first OND Sister to say “welcome” to me. Hahahaha. Sr. Haide was isolated that time for she had chicken pox. OND has a special place in my heart. I could say that there were times that even in choosing which convent I should enter made me confused. It was in OND that there were no names attached in mine except, of course, Bro. Dennis who was just a newly-met friend that time. It was unlike in Siena, Domican Siters, in where I was referred by Msgr. Gerry. (Watta big name!)
I can’t remember anymore which happenings came first, the search-in in OND with Sr. Shao or the acceptance of Ate Ging. Anyways, it was December 8, 2013 when I got the privilege to witness Ate Ging’s acceptance in the Come and See Program. Unexpectedly, I was also crying all throughout the ceremony. Hahaha! I remember, right in the middle of the scene when Ate Ging was accepting her medal, I’d like to shout and announce “Sister, ako din! Gusto ko na din po magpa-accept. Gusto ko rin po nung medal!”. Of course, that didn’t happen. Hahaha. I din’t want to go out of the convent anymore. Definitely because many reasons would come to me again saying not to enter the convent. Anyways.
With God’s permission, I was able to witness again another acceptance ceremony. This time it was Ate Ivy’s. I also met Sr. Jean that day. We were four, I think, when Sr. Jean asked us to share anything about ourselves to our assigned partners. Very fortunate, my partner was Ate Ivy! Hahahaha. I could still remember, we hardly shared anything more than our names, jobs and bits of information about our family because we’re just laughing and at the same time crying. We didn’t know why, but we were really just crying and laughing. She said that everything that had happen to her even her acceptance that day was with full surrender to God. Full surrender, those were the best word that could probably describe her journey. So sad, I was not able to capture those moments.
Moreover, about the search-in, it was Sr. Shao that gave the talk to us, searchers. She was so funny, energetic and full of wisdom. Many were said and done. But one line from Sr. Shao that struck me the most was “Go back to your Jordan.” This line asked me to dig more and reflect more. Sr. Shao said that back to our memories during childhood and other stages of our lives, we could trace where this calling really started. What instances in our lives led us closer and closer to God?
As I reflected on this, as I tried to go back to my Jordan, I learned that the first time I told God that I will offer my life to Him was when my dog bit me. It was probably just a simple event but I know that during that time, for a little girl, it was already about life or death. I was so scared that I prayed to God to save me. He was my only rescue. I told Him that if he would save me, I will serve Him; I will do whatever He wanted me to do; I will really offer my life to Him.
I also remembered that my Grandmother would always go to church with me and my sister. She contributed a lot in my prayer life. She was my figure of being religious. Similarly, I remembered, everytime I attend masses, I love seeing the priest during homily and consecration. Also, I like listening to the lector. Even before, I already love the Holy Eucharist even if during my elementary days I have lots of questions about it.
Curiosity about the Eucharist arose during this unforgettable moment when my classmate said “Ay di na ko pwedeng mag-communion, di ko narinig yung Gospel eh.” Then, I was puzzled. What are communion and Gospel? When can we receive the Host and when we can’t? That curiosity stayed till my high school days.
My mom enrolled me in a catholic school, The Nazarene Catholic School. My expectations were set high by then. I thought that students in a catholic school were disciplined, obedient, has developed love for prayer and are respectful. But I was wrong. During these days, I turned out to be a nerd, well that was how my schoolmates described me. Then, a teacher of mine saw a potential good leader in me. So, I ran for different positions. I was able to win all those positions and I was part of the Student Council for three consecutive years. As a leader, my principle was “What is right is right. What is wrong is wrong.” I was too strict for many and only a few understood the responsibilities given to me. During this stage of life, teenagers really got difficulty conforming to the norms and I was not exempted to that. I may appear strong but deep inside, I was deeply hurt. Then, I prayed again to God. He was my refuge. For me, He was the only one who could understand me. I often spend my break time inside the chapel. Another significant moment happened, I remembered that I prayed to God to get me. What I meant was I wanted Him to put me in a place near to Him. I wanted Him to make me disappear for a moment place under His care, then I pictured out Martha brushing her hair in God’s feet. Then, a thought suddenly popped up, the first time I told myself, “I want to become a nun. I just want to be in silence. I want to pray.”
What do you really want?
These lines were true until the end of S.Y.2012-2013. My life was already planned back then. After that school year, I would decide to enter the convent. But as its end was approaching, I was filled with doubts and fears. Suddenly, I did not know what to do. My co-teacher who was a seminarian before told me to enter immediately. The moment I felt that God was calling me, I shouldn’t hesitate. “Pasok agad. Tignan mo sarili mo, sa dinami dami ng teacher na babae dito bakit ikaw ngayon ang umiiyak? Bakit ikaw ang nagkakaganyan? Pagbigyan mo ang Holy Spirit, kapatid.” These lines, these very lines, were memorable to me. I ran to the chapel after I shared my feelings to him. All I did there was to cry. That chapel was and is so precious to me. It was my shelter back from high school till I became a teacher. Then, I started hearing different advises from my principal, administrators and my colleagues, my former teachers during high school. I didn’t know what to believe in to. Similarly, sisters from different congregations were texting me, kept on asking about my journey. I encountered many questions that were more difficult to answer than Math problems. One of those was, “Ano bang gusto mo?” Until now, I don’t know the answer.
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